Manic Sex Cravings

If any of my family members or anyone else that might not want to hear about my sex life because it may a) scar you or b) cause you to react negatively (judging, gossiping, etc.), please do the right thing and hit the little “X” at the top right corner of your screen now. Everyone else: Welcome to my world!

Being manic for a short period of time can be quite nice. My mood is pleasant and uplifted, I feel more articulate and creative than when I’m depressed, I have more energy and drive so I accomplish more things in shorter amounts of time, and I feel more like a “normal” human. Yes, I know that the word, “normal” is bullshit but that’s how I feel right now, with one exception: I can’t get enough sex.

I’m not usually a very sexually active person. Like, I don’t typically want to have sex more than once or twice a month (right before my period, when my lady hormones are doing their best to make me pass on my genes). When I’m very depressed, I go months without sex or any other related activity. I assume that other people go through sexual spurts (no pun intended) like I do. The difference comes with mania.

When I’m manic, which I am now, I am sexually insatiable. I have sex with my husband multiple times a night, do wilder things in bed, masturbate daily, dream about sex, daydream about sex…you get the point. This is great fun for a day or two. My husband is a good sport, dealing with the decreased sleep and the physical pain from overworked muscles and reproductive parts like a champ. After about three days, which is where I am now, it gets to be too much for both of us. But I still want more.

I cannot speak for my husband’s pain but the most common problems that I experience after too much sexy time are fatigue, painfully sensitive and swollen labia and vagina, and vaginal dryness. These things cause discomfort throughout the day and they’re downright problematic when I try to continue my sexscapades. It doesn’t stop when I’m asleep either.

When I’m manic, I have realistic dreams involving sex. I usually get to the point just before satisfaction, be it penetration or orgasm, and then I wake up. This is slightly frustrating, so I end up masturbating or having fun with my husband. He works most weekdays and Saturdays, so I’m usually on my own. No problem. This girl knows how to take care of herself.

Funny manic story: Several years ago, I was a volunteer co-leader for a scout troop in a small rural village. My fellow co-leader hosted a Pure Romance party and invited me. After the Pure Romance independent sales consultant gave her spiel and passed around a variety of gadgets, lubes, etc., she announced that the party attendees would get to choose one product that would be offered for a discounted rate at that party. When it came time to vote, nobody suggested anything so I called out the name of a butt plug. The other party attendees got strange looks of confusion and amusement on their faces. I would not have done that it I weren’t manic. Discounted butt plugs for everyone!

I have been debating writing this post because it shares some private information about my intimate life, but I love full disclosure and this blog is about my entire life bipolar, not just the things that are easy or safe to talk about. So I hope that you found this informative or at least interesting. If not, you prolly shouda hit that X in the beginning like I told you to 😉

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My Experience with Geodon

Ziprasidone (the generic form of the antipsychotic drug Geodon) was prescribed to me in the spring of this year because I was experiencing a long-lasting bout of moderate to severe bipolar depression with episodes of rapid cycling bipolar and intrusive suicidal thoughts. Ziprasidone is used to treat acute manic or mixed episodes associated with bipolar disorder and to treat symptoms of schizophrenia. It is also used as a maintenance treatment of bipolar disorder when added to lithium or valproate (Depakote). I took the medication as prescribed (1 20mg capsule by mouth at bedtime with food) along with my other meds (depakote extended release, trazodone, metformin) for four days before I had to stop. Geodon caused me to wake up in the middle of the night every night and have strange thoughts. More specifically, I wanted to go outside and run as fast as I could through the woods behind our house. My sleep was disturbed despite taking trazodone at night for sleep. Complete prescribing information can be found here. FDA (U.S. Food & Drug Administration) can be found here.

Oops

Oops, it has been a minute since I posted. That’s the nature of bipolar. Sometimes I’m hyper-motivated and productive and other times I drop all projects and veg out for weeks or months at a time. Just wanted to pop in and say that I’m here. I’m dealing with rapid cycling, health issues, and employment changes so life is a struggle at the moment, but things will get better.

I rarely experience mania or rapid cycling, so it’s interesting when I do. One of the up sides of mania for me is increased sex drive. The down side to this is that I can be insatiable. So there’s that. Can’t get enough. I’m wearing my husband out.

I often feel more angry when I’m manic too. I keep going to sleep wondering if I could punch through the bedroom wall. I’m not sure why I’m angry at night, but I bet that I could punch through the wall. It’s plaster because our house is like 116 years old. I don’t want to have to fix the wall though, so I’m making responsible choices. Win.

Anyway, just wanted to check in and let you know what I’m up to. I’ll make an effort to post more regularly 😉

Nighttime Is The Worst

I love winding down at the end of the day with my husbeast and our furbabies before bed, but bedtime is often tough. This is the time of the day when my thoughts shift to all of the things that I am worried about. There’s always something.

I lay in bed trying to sleep and I get more and more agitated. My thoughts and heart race. I get fidgety and start tossing and turning. Sometimes I cry. This effects my sleep, both in quality and quantity.

After really bad nights, I can’t get up when I’m supposed to in the morning because I’m too tired. If I have cried a lot, I’ll have puffy eyes and a headache for most of the day. I have quit jobs and flaked out on friends and families because of this. Last night was rough, but it’s a new day.

Holding My Breath

Picture a person in a scary movie who is hiding from a bad person. What do they do when that bad person is within very close range? They hold perfectly still, doing their best not to make a sound. They hold their breath. No movement.

Have you ever tried holding your breath when you are scared? That’s essentially what I do every time that I am afraid to make a move because of my mental illness. I’m doing it right now.

It is painful! But not in the same way as when you are actually scared for your life and forced to hold your breath for as long as possible and then slowly let it out because you can’t hold it anymore without passing out and now, instead of holding your breath in, you have to breathe as slowly, evenly, and shallowly as you can so that it is QUIET. It is the slow, even, shallow breathing that hurts. It hurts because your heart is pumping a million miles an hour, ready to fight or fly, but you are forcing your lungs to pretend like nothing is wrong. They want to suck in as much air as possible and propel you into victory, but you’ve chosen to make them do something that doesn’t feel natural to them.

For me, normal life is halted when I am severely depressed. If I make a decision, it is usually a bad one, so this is my coping mechanism. I become lethargic, with almost no interest in food or the activities that I usually enjoy. I cancel plans, push people away, skip showering, and more. I don’t like doing this to myself. It hurts me to see myself falling into these patterns. But I don’t know what to do differently. I am the scared victim in the movie, hiding from myself. Putting life on hold so that I can survive the next 30 seconds.

I’ve spent countless hours learning coping skills from therapists and self-help books. Some really helpful stuff, but my memory is awful and when things start to go sour, I can’t remember what to do to help myself. I’m 34. Maybe my memory sucks just because? Maybe it’s because of years of different psychiatric drugs? Maybe it’s due to past trauma? I don’t know why, but my memory sucks, which sucks.

Because I’m terrible at helping myself in these times of severe depression, I rely heavily on my husbeast and my mother for support. I become so tired that I fall asleep in the middle of the day and sleep for up to 6 hours. I wake up dazed, hungry, and thirsty, but can’t muster enough energy/willpower to walk myself to the kitchen to get food and drink, so I lay on the couch until my husbeast comes home. He finds me cold (I usually don’t have the foresight to grab a blanket) and starving. But food doesn’t sound good. We both know that I need to eat, but it’s difficult to do so when nothing sounds good.

I don’t like putting that burden on my support group. I see the toll that it takes. I fucking hate that sometimes I need to be rescued. Sometimes = multiple times per year, often for weeks at a time. I have always been the empath/caregiver, and don’t like being on the other side. I want to be able to take care of myself! I’m screwed if there’s ever a zombie apocalypse, WWIII, etc.

My condition affects other things like my part-time job, my small business, and my friendships too but I’ll write about that later. Not really sure where I am going with this, I guess this is a status update. I’m holding still. Doing my best to survive another hour. It hurts, but I’m doing okay. Today’s accomplishments:

  • eat (orange for breakfast, ramen for lunch)
  • drink water (only did 1 bottle, but better than none)
  • put on more than just a bathrobe (I did undies, sweats, and a t-shirt)
  • take care of something other than myself (baby chicks)
  • channeled bipolar energy to create art
  • nap
  • blog about feelings/progress/whatever this is about
  • avoided going to the hospital (keep telling myself one day at a time)

I hope that your day is going well.

Annoying Sound Frequencies

I don’t know why, but certain sounds irritate me and this seems to be amplified when I am “off-balance.” My husbeast likes to watch YouTube videos on our tv about guns, military history, etc. and it seems like 95% of the narrators (not sure if this has anything to do with it, but they are all men) have a voice that gives me brain trouble. My mom’s voice does it sometimes too. She has a deep voice for a woman. The people on YouTube don’t have particularly deep voices. On the contrary, I would say that they are not deep. I call it a headache, but my head doesn’t hurt per se. It feels like I have slightly increased intracranial pressure and all other sounds become annoyances too. Certain vocalists and musical keys do the same thing, as does the sound of the water spilling from the filter in my aquarium.

I call it a headache, but my head doesn’t hurt per se. It feels like I have slightly increased intracranial pressure. When this happens, my ears feel sensitive and other sounds become annoyances too, such as certain musical and vocal keys (although I couldn’t tell you which ones) and the sound of the water cascading out of the filter in our aquarium.

I don’t know how to make it stop other than to remove myself from the situation. I feel bad asking my husbeast to choose a different thing to watch and it sucks when I’m at my mom’s house and I have to leave.

Does anyone else experience something like this? How do you handle it?