It’s Not What You Think

Rich Larsen wrote a very nice tribute to Chris Cornell that discusses what grunge music is really about. Please read it by following the link below.

“You might think grunge is about anger, but that’s not completely true. Yes, it can sound that way, but it’s really about depression and cynicism. Those two go hand-in-hand, along with their nasty little sister, anxiety. When the three of them get going, they just eat hope as quickly as it can be summoned. That leaves despair and despair is exhausting, not just for those who experience it, but for the people around it as well. So we keep it to ourselves because we don’t want to be a burden. And then it gets to be too much. Doesn’t matter if you’re a student, a mom, an accountant or a rock star. It doesn’t matter if you’ve written about it your entire life as a means of keeping it at bay. It doesn’t matter if the music you made about it brought in fame, respect and millions of dollars. It doesn’t matter if your entire generation has suffered from it. Depression makes you feel totally alone. You hit the breaking point, and then, like Chris Cornell, you die alone in the bathroom.”

Source: It’s not what you think

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My Experience with Geodon

Ziprasidone (the generic form of the antipsychotic drug Geodon) was prescribed to me in the spring of this year because I was experiencing a long-lasting bout of moderate to severe bipolar depression with episodes of rapid cycling bipolar and intrusive suicidal thoughts. Ziprasidone is used to treat acute manic or mixed episodes associated with bipolar disorder and to treat symptoms of schizophrenia. It is also used as a maintenance treatment of bipolar disorder when added to lithium or valproate (Depakote). I took the medication as prescribed (1 20mg capsule by mouth at bedtime with food) along with my other meds (depakote extended release, trazodone, metformin) for four days before I had to stop. Geodon caused me to wake up in the middle of the night every night and have strange thoughts. More specifically, I wanted to go outside and run as fast as I could through the woods behind our house. My sleep was disturbed despite taking trazodone at night for sleep. Complete prescribing information can be found here. FDA (U.S. Food & Drug Administration) can be found here.

Oops

Oops, it has been a minute since I posted. That’s the nature of bipolar. Sometimes I’m hyper-motivated and productive and other times I drop all projects and veg out for weeks or months at a time. Just wanted to pop in and say that I’m here. I’m dealing with rapid cycling, health issues, and employment changes so life is a struggle at the moment, but things will get better.

I rarely experience mania or rapid cycling, so it’s interesting when I do. One of the up sides of mania for me is increased sex drive. The down side to this is that I can be insatiable. So there’s that. Can’t get enough. I’m wearing my husband out.

I often feel more angry when I’m manic too. I keep going to sleep wondering if I could punch through the bedroom wall. I’m not sure why I’m angry at night, but I bet that I could punch through the wall. It’s plaster because our house is like 116 years old. I don’t want to have to fix the wall though, so I’m making responsible choices. Win.

Anyway, just wanted to check in and let you know what I’m up to. I’ll make an effort to post more regularly 😉

Shameless

I started watching Shameless on Netflix about a month ago and I am halfway through season 5 already. I like it for several reasons, one of which is the excellent portrayal of bipolar disorder in both Monica and Ian Gallagher. Spoiler alert: if you haven’t watched through season 5 episode 8, you may want to skip this post for now.

I didn’t “get” Monica until the Thanksgiving dinner episode, at which time I knew as soon as she stood up from the table that she was going to do something terrible. In terms of “highs” and “lows,” I spend most of my time depressed and I tend to get suicidal. Unfortunately, I also get impulsive. As Monica and Ian show us, depressed + suicidal + impulsive = danger.

When Ian was acting strange after going MIA from the army, I wasn’t sure if it was drugs or mania but when he wouldn’t get out of bed for days, I knew.

The one thing that I would say is that my experience in psych wards was slightly different from what Monica and Ian experienced. I have been in three different wards. Two things:

  1. Psych wards have nightly “checks,” in which hospital staff look into your room at night to make sure that you are in bed, okay, and that you’re not getting into trouble. So, Monica’s nighttime sexytime with the other patient is something that isn’t likely to happen.
  2. The guard at the hospital got rough with Ian. I have never experienced or witnessed unnecessary force in a psych ward. I’m sure that it happens, but I don’t think it is common.

I’m up to the point where Ian says that he flushed his meds because they make him feel awful. If you have never taken medicine for a mental illness, you can’t possibly understand what it’s like. And you can’t understand what it’s like to live with a mental illness if you don’t have one, but this show can help you to get a feeling for it. It’s refreshing to see bipolar accurately portrayed in a show. I tried watching Homeland, a series in which Claire Danes plays a CIA agent with bipolar disorder. I thought that show did okay, but Shameless does much better. Consider watching it.

Nighttime Is The Worst

I love winding down at the end of the day with my husbeast and our furbabies before bed, but bedtime is often tough. This is the time of the day when my thoughts shift to all of the things that I am worried about. There’s always something.

I lay in bed trying to sleep and I get more and more agitated. My thoughts and heart race. I get fidgety and start tossing and turning. Sometimes I cry. This effects my sleep, both in quality and quantity.

After really bad nights, I can’t get up when I’m supposed to in the morning because I’m too tired. If I have cried a lot, I’ll have puffy eyes and a headache for most of the day. I have quit jobs and flaked out on friends and families because of this. Last night was rough, but it’s a new day.

I Found Some Hope!

Have I mentioned that I’ve been struggling with depression for the past month or so? I’m trying to avoid going to the hospital and it has been tough, but today I discovered a potentially helpful community resource.

My day started with 3 fillings at my dentist. With 2/3 of my mouth numb, plus my right eye, ear, and my nose, I sat in my car after my appointment and tried to figure out what to do for the rest of the day before dance practice. I had 7 hours to blow. I sat in my car for a good 45 minutes, basking in the sunlight on Michigan’s first warm spring day of the year and farting off my unfortunate breakfast choice, as I tried to decide whether I should drive home (a 30-minute commute) and sleep off the anesthesia or parade my crooked smile around Salvation Army, looking for deals on stuff that I didn’t need. I finally left with no plan, but then remembered that I had seen a mental health office on my drive in. I would pop in and see what they offered!

With a VERY wonky face, dental chair hair, and (probably) a faint eau de fart aroma about me, I walked into Pine Rest Christian Mental Health Services. No, I’m not Christian. But I am desperate and I would hope that my treatment wouldn’t be heavily peppered with religion. Anyway, the receptionist kindly informed me that their office only offers therapy, med management, and a substance abuse group. I’m looking for bipolar and/or depression groups and possibly partial (day) hospitalization. She made it sound as if the other local branch offered day hospitalization, so I drove there. I could have just called, but I have a stupid aversion to talking on the phone.

The next place was the same story, but they were kind enough to suggest the Elizabeth Upjohn Community Healing Center. So I drove there. This place was the same deal as the first, but with more substance abuse options, plus child therapy. Have I mentioned that every time I open my mouth to speak, the right side of my mouth and face doesn’t move? The reaction from the various people that I interacted with was pretty comical. Usually a look of slight confusion and then terror. Anyway, this time I was referred to the local DBSA  (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) chapter. I had to call :(. Nobody answered, but there was a message stating when their group meets (Mondays from 7-9 pm). I was really hoping to find something during the day, when my husbeast is not home with me. He works a lot of hours and I usually only get to spend 3 hours per night with him + Sunday and sometimes I see him on his day off, depending on which day that falls on.

So, feeling like I was at a road block, I got on my phone and tried to see if there was a DBSA chapter in the neighboring county. I’m not clear on the answer to that, but I stumbled across the local NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) chapter, which listed several support groups in my area for family members of individuals living with mental illness (a good find, although not sure the husbeast will ever be able to do it due to his work schedule) AND I read about the Recovery Institute of Southwest Michigan, Inc.

Sorry that this story has gotten so long! Here’s the point: this sounds like exactly what I need right now. The Recovery Institute of Southwest Michigan, Inc. is a peer-run non-profit organization for individuals that are embracing recovery. There are weekly peer support groups for substance abuse, addictive behaviors, mental illness, for veterans, and for members of the LGBTQ community. There are ongoing wellness classes such as “whole health action management,” tobacco reduction, writing about recovery, meditation, yoga, and even an “open studio” time, when people can play games, play music, and share skills with each other. There is individual peer support and recovery coaching available, as well as special events and activities like computer lab, reading and writing tutoring, access to the local YMCA gym and pool, movie screenings, workshops, luncheons, and field trips. All of these resources are available to me for FREE, thanks to individuals like myself who volunteer to make the Recovery Institute work.

I picked up the March and April schedules, and I have so many good options! And all of them are during the day. I look forward to embarking on this new leg of my recovery. I’m sure that I will meet some great people and learn a lot about myself and others.

Do you participate in any groups to help you manage your mental illness? What are you doing on your own to manage your symptoms?